When God Speaks, I Listen
As I write this it feels like there’s a fire under my ass that says I need to perform and execute. I got the calling to Get Out of the house that I [was] living in. Of course I’m grateful for that roof over my head but I knew that the environment wasn’t lighting me up and it was driving me into misery.
….so we are getting out!
Here’s the story:
I spent months trying to see the bright side, convincing myself that it’s not the place itself— it’s just my outlook, my perspective, that happiness is a choice. All of these are true. However I learned in time: sometimes you really do just need a change in environment.
The place I had been living in is interesting. In this house, my husband and I were actually living with another couple, their three dogs, and eventually their newborn baby now grown into a toddler— talk about barks, whining, crying, and Ms. Rachel singing all the time. There were also many moments I believe both couples needed pure familial privacy and didn’t have it. Not to mention little to no maintenance work had ever been done on this house for the last twenty years.
Let me bring my story a few seasons back in this house: I remember when I first moved in, the bathroom walls were absolutely covered in mold as if these black streaks were a designed wallpaper. There was also this huge black spot growing in the floor right next to the shower. I remember as I would get ready to shower and reach for the knob, I would watch my feet to make sure I didn’t the touch the gruesome black spot with any part of my foot. I would hover over the spot, stretching my back and holding my breath so as to not breathe it in as I turned the water on.
There were soooooo many other physical things throughout the house that siphoned my joy like deterioration and messes, but I really don’t want to dwell on it here. In fact, there were many times I took action and was graced with some sort of improvement done for the living space- whether it was the property manager or me doing something. I did a good job improving the space while I lived there I think, and these changes gave me hope overtime. Nevertheless eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore as I came to the realization, “These aren’t my messes to clean!”
I was desiring a home of our own- just the two of us. I thought, “We have the money, don’t we? Why still live here?” There were many moments my husband told me it just wasn’t time to move yet.
Until it was.
During an online “Full Moon Circle” with my girlfriends (maybe one day I’ll tell you about these!), a sweet sister of mine helped me navigate my internal turmoil about my living situation. Afterwards, I cried and prayed and so I received the message “Get Out.” And I was kinda scared…because doing what I heard meant I had to leave no matter the outcome and just trust in God’s plan for me.
When I received the new message I cried, “God what do you mean!!? I have to leave?! What about my marriage?”
I was even preparing myself for a separation from my husband because the last few times I had briefed him on us moving out and getting our own place, he pretty much said “No, it’s not time. Please just see the brighter side of our current living situation.” During those times, I listened to him in good faith as his Wife.
But I had to be ready to fully commit to God’s plan. I had to listen.
With what I was about to do, I had hopes of Mark and I staying together and just being in different places, making it work; assuming he was going to stay at the house because “it wasn’t time to move yet.” I cried to God because of how much I love my husband and I just wanted both of us to be happy, even if it meant separately and in such an unconventional way. He really is a great man. Even if our physical home wasn’t ideal for me, Mark has always done what he can to make sure we are overall safe, financially positioned well, and that he is fulfilling his provision as best as he knows how.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if Mark felt devastation or betrayal by my own exit (he didn’t, you’ll see).
Butttttt I had to do it and my conviction was in God’s message for me. I would never want to make such a choice out of anger or despair. This moment was driven by hope, love, and trust.
In silence, I was doing my best to plan for the worst: separation, isolation, getting back into the workforce, preparing to call my old job, living in my car, getting rid of all my colorful clothes and keeping the black ones, finding laundry mats, using gym day passes and memberships for exercising and showering, figuring out how to maintain my nutrition while possibly regularly eating at restaurants (talk about a potential overload of Omega 6s lol). I didn’t have the resources to just get my own apartment while the cost of living was quite high. I was going to make it work though.
After nights of crying by myself, my husband Mark and I finally shared a conversation sitting up in bed together. And here God did what He does best again….
I let Mark know of my recent experience and he met me with so much love and honored where I was at. He knew I was willing to full send my exit. And interestingly Mark had also been receiving a calling to leave our town and start traveling the world.
He said, "Babe, you sure you wanna go homeless???!!” 😂 I gotta admit it was kinda funny! Though in all honesty, I was willing to do what was necessary to change my environment; because if nothing changes, then nothing changes.
And I’m very surprised with what this has turned into it. I guess now “it’s time.” In many ways, I wonder if I had to be the catalyst to change our environment. I don’t know that if I stayed in fear and didn’t prepare to really get out that we would finally be moving on to the next chapter. Because at this point, I began to operate out of sheer willingness instead of passivity. Maybe this was proof that I’m ready. I wasn’t willing to stay complacent any longer. Somebody had to do it.
I thought our next sanctuary together could be just a little apartment (an overpriced one) in our ol’ hometown as this is what I was aiming for before, but the plan is far greater than what I’ve imagined. Now I’m turning the page as I continue to write the story. God spoke, I listened, and here we are...
Thank you for being here, friend. I’ll tell you more in the next one!
Love, Jessa 🤍
