When God Speaks, I Listen
I got the calling to Get Out of the house that I [was] living in. Of course I’m grateful for that roof over my head but I knew that environment wasn’t lighting me up and it was driving me into misery.
….so we are getting out!
Here’s the story:
The place I had been living in is interesting. I lived in this house for 2 years. It was the first place I lived in after moving out of my parents’ house for the first time.
My husband and I were actually living here with another couple, their three dogs, and eventually their newborn baby now grown into a toddler— talk about barks, whining, crying, and Ms. Rachel singing all the time. There were also many moments I believe both couples needed pure familial privacy and didn’t have it. Not to mention little to no maintenance work had ever been done on this house for the last twenty years.
Let me bring my story a few seasons back in this house: I remember when I first moved in, the bathroom walls were absolutely covered in mold as if these black streaks were a designed wallpaper. There was also this huge black spot growing in the floor right next to the shower. I remember as I would get ready to shower and reach for the knob, I would watch my feet to make sure I didn’t the touch the gruesome black spot with any part of my foot. I would hover over the spot, stretching my back and holding my breath so as to not breathe it in as I turned the water on.
There were soooooo many other physical things throughout the house that siphoned my joy like deterioration and messes, but I really don’t want to dwell on it here. In fact, there were many times I took action and was graced with some sort of improvement done for the living space- whether it was the property manager or me doing something. I did a good job improving the space while I lived there, and these changes gave me hope overtime. Nevertheless eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore as I came to the realization, “These aren’t my messes to clean!”
I spent months trying to see the bright side, convincing myself that it’s not the place itself— it’s just my outlook, my perspective, that happiness is a choice. All of these are true. However I learned in time: sometimes you really do just need a change in environment.
During our time here, we were building the foundation of our dynamic and business. The cost of our housing here was cheaper than the average cost of residences in the area. In many ways it made sense to live here but I was desiring a home of our own- just the two of us. I thought, “We have the money now, don’t we? Why still live here?” There were many moments my husband told me it just wasn’t time to move yet.
Until it was.
During an online “Full Moon Circle” with my girlfriends (maybe one day I’ll tell you about these!), a sweet sister of mine helped me navigate my internal turmoil about my living situation. Afterwards, I cried and prayed and so I received the message from God, “Get Out.” And I was kinda scared…because doing what I heard meant I had to leave no matter the outcome and just trust in God’s plan for me.
When I received the new message I cried, “God what do you mean!!? I have to leave?! What about my marriage?”
So I was even preparing myself for a [physical] separation from my husband because the last few times I had briefed him on us moving out and getting our own place, he pretty much said “No, it’s not time yet. Please just see the brighter side of our current living situation.” During those times, I listened to him in good faith as his Wife.
You might think that I’m crazy for allowing this and maybe I am- real marriage is not for the weak. But I do know when in a marriage, you do your best to make things work.
Nonetheless I had to be ready to fully commit to God’s plan: Get Out.
I had to listen.
With what I was about to do, I had hopes of Mark and I staying together and just being in different places, making it work; assuming he was going to stay at the house because “it wasn’t time to move yet.” I do love Mark and I just wanted both of us to be happy, even if it meant separately and in such an unconventional way.
He really is a great man. Even if our physical home wasn’t ideal for me, Mark has always done what he can to make sure we are overall safe, financially positioned well, and that he is fulfilling his provision as best as he knows how. In my eyes, it just no longer made sense to stay where we’re at.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if Mark felt devastation by my exit (he didn’t, you’ll see).
Butttttt I had to do it and my conviction was in God’s message for me. I would never want to make such a choice out of anger or despair. This moment was driven by hope, love, and trust.
I didn’t have the resources to just get my own apartment while the cost of living was quite high in Northern California.
In silence, I was doing my best to plan for the worst:
separation
isolation
getting back into the workforce
preparing to call my old job
living in my car
getting rid of all my colorful clothes and keeping the black ones
finding laundry mats
using gym day passes
and figuring out how to maintain my nutrition while only eating at restaurants (talk about a potential overload of Omega 6s lol).
I was going to make it work though.
After nights of crying independently, my husband Mark and I finally shared a conversation sitting up in bed together. And here God did what He does best again….
I let Mark know of my recent experience and he honored where I was at. He knew I was willing to full send my exit. I believe my energy had the essence of “Either we’re out or I’m out.” If you have any experience in a marriage or really any relationship, you know that this can happen.
Synchronistically Mark proposed a different dream of mine in this moment:
"Babe, what if we start traveling? I’ve actually been feeling lately that its time.”
I gotta admit it was kinda funny! Though in all honesty, I was willing to do what was necessary to change my environment; because if nothing changes, then nothing changes.
And I’m very surprised with what this has turned into it.
I guess now “it’s time.” In many ways, I wonder if I had to be the catalyst to change our environment. I don’t know that if I stayed in fear and didn’t prepare to really get out that we would finally be moving on to the next chapter. Truly at this point I began to operate out of sheer willingness instead of passivity. Maybe this was proof that I am ready. I wasn’t willing to stay complacent any longer. Somebody had to do it.
I thought our next sanctuary together could be just a little apartment (an overpriced one) in our ol’ hometown as this is what I was aiming for before, but the plan is actually far greater than what I’ve imagined.
Now I’m turning the page as I continue to write the story. God spoke, I listened, and here we are...
Thank you for being here, friend. I’ll tell you more in the next one!
Love, Jessa 🤍
